I was only recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but I was suspected to have had it for a long time. Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is a huge part of my life and I’d be lying if I said that it was easy to manage.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?!
Borderline Personality Disorder is not that easy to explain so I will try to explain the best that I can. ‘Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships: sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood.’
How it effects me?!
Daily life can be difficult living with BPD for some people. Although many people find it easy and hardly notice their symptoms, some people – like myself – struggle to manage their symptoms and end up on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.
Friendships and relationships are the hardest parts of my life to control. Most (well all) of the relationships that I’ve had in my life have been very intense and I think this is due to my BPD. This is a common thing that many other people suffer with. I struggle with a need to spend all of my time with the other person. I therefore become very clingy and this can be off-putting for people. If I’m not spending all my time with the other person then I assume that they will be with someone ‘better’ and then they will abandon me. The fear of abandonment overwhelms me and I start to panic and it leads to panic attacks. My attitude towards people makes it even more difficult. I can go from being completely obsessed with someone to wanting nothing to do with them within minutes.
Because of my fear of abandonment, I struggle to trust people. I always assume the worst and assume that people are going to leave me. I don’t know what it’s like to fully trust someone. I don’t even trust my own boyfriend even though he is fully deserving of my trust. My mind is always trying to prepare me for the worst and trying to protect me. I don’t do it on purpose. My automatic instinct is to protect myself from people, no matter who they are.
While I struggle with relationships with other’s, something else I struggle with is the relationship with myself. I have such low self esteem and I can’t stand myself at all.
Although I am not my illness, I sometimes feel as though I am. I feel like it takes over me. Sometimes I am so sweet and caring but other times I can be reckless and over emotional. There are times when I feel everything and times where I feel nothing at all. There are also times when my decisions become impulsive and spontaneous. I can go from overthinking to not thinking at all. My mentality changes from “perfectionist” to “screw it.” in a matter of seconds.
With medication and support from my boyfriend and family, I am managing to cope with my Borderline Personality Disorder but it still effects me daily.
If you suffer with BPD then I would love to chat to you so we can talk about your experiences too.